United Against the Common Enemy
by Sally Michaels
Summary: Funny fic about Dudley and Harry joining forces against the Greater Evil! ComedyParody! Warning Language and sexual references!
1. Motive

_Note,_

_I'd like to thank the people who have inspired me to write this. Harmonic friction who wrote "Recall When Alice was Young" and a sort of prequel to it, "Ask Alice When She's Ten Feet Tall" which is a Dudley Dursley fan fic and his life in Privet drive. Its one of the best stories I have ever read in my life and I love how Dudley really became a three dimensional person in it. I know my writing is nothing compared to it, but hell, I try._

_And to my brother Thane, for being so funny and random. And my best friend Krista who never fails to keep my inner cruelty alive._

_Thank you!_

Funny weird HP fan fic

Harry and Dudley finally are getting along, and now that they're of age, Harry's going to help Dudley ass whip the girl who cheated on Dudley.

Rated T for bad language and sexual references

Harry was quiet as he sat in the Dursley's spotless living room, sprawled on the easy chair, smoking a cigarette. He exhaled and watched the smoke drift up towards the dark ceiling. It was about ten or eleven at night. Petunia and Vernon were spending the weekend at Marge's and both Dudley and Harry had begged off. Dudley wanted to spend as much time as possible snogging his bratty little girlfriend Michelle. And Harry wanted to just sit and think and smoke in peace.

It was Friday, mid July, hot, and boring. Dudley was out; Harry didn't expect him to come home until around one or so. He didn't mind.

Dudley and he were on better terms than they had ever been. They spoke civilly to each other and even chatted and laughed together a couple of times. However, Dudley still hung out with his friends without inviting Harry along, and though Harry was bored and lonely for his friends at Hogwarts, he liked the peace and quiet. Though he couldn't lie and say he didn't wish Dudley would share his weed with him. They weren't that close.

Harry was thinking about Ginny's ass and Quidditch when the back door opened and he heard Dudley lumber in. Harry didn't move, he was in no hurry to rise up from his comfortable position and happy thoughts.

Then, Harry heard a strange and frightening noise. Crying. Dudley was in the kitchen, crying. Harry couldn't see him but knew that the muffled sobs belonged to his cousin. He slowly stubbed out his cigarette under the lamp, and went to the kitchen. Dudley was sitting on the floor, beside the sink, knees splayed out, hands in face, weeping heartbrokenly. Harry felt himself beginning to freak out. What the hell was he supposed to do?

"Dud?" Harry began cautiously, staying where he was. Dudley looked up with blurry red-rimmed eyes.

"Wot the fuck do'ya want?" he demanded hoarsely.

"Ahh," Harry licked his lips, "Um, you alright?" Lame, but that's all he could come up with at the spur of the moment. Dudley shook his head, and attempted to wipe his face with his tee-shirt sleeve, which is harder than it looks.

Harry sidled forward and lifted himself up onto the counter, where he could see Dudley better. He saw that Dudley's left cheek had a long scratch on it, and his pants had dusty grass stains on them.

Weird.

"Um, what happened?" Harry asked, hoping he sounded both concerned and polite.

Dudley sighed, "Nothing," Harry felt a stab of annoyance, "Fuck that, Dud, you're not dirty and crying for nothing!" he said.

His large cousin glared at him for a second before saying with a strange and foreign weakness, "Michelle is a fucking cheat."

Harry didn't exactly get it, "What, she's seeing someone else?" Dudley shrugged, "I guess."

"What do you mean?" Harry asked again. Dudley traced patterns on the linoleum with his thick finger. "She's supposed to be on me, yo." He mumbled.

"Ok," Harry said abruptly, trying to piece it together. "Is she sleeping with someone else or some other skanky shit?"

Dudley nodded, and Harry felt a new loyalty for his anguished relative. "That whore! Tell me what happened!"

Encouraged by Harry's outrage, Dudley began.

"Ok, so, like you know. Michelle and I have been getting together all summer so far. And she's like mine, you know, she's my girl. Anyone who messes with her, I'd have to fuck them up, ya know?"

Harry nodded invitingly. "Of course."

Dudley continued, "So, she tells me she loves me and shit. Course, I don't feel the same way, but whatever, she's mine. So, I'm going to her house, and while I'm walking and stuff, I'm thinking about her, and how hott she is. And how I love her laugh, and her clothes, and the way she smells, and the way she moans when I…"

Harry waved his arm haltingly, "Stop, stop. Don't wanna hear that shit. Get to the cheating."

Dudley consented, "So, I'm walking and finally kinda figuring out that maybe I love her. Her mom's always working so I open the back door to her house and go in. And no ones around so I go upstairs and she was in the loo, in the tub, humping some guy on top!"

Harry gasped, "What'd you do?" Dudley winced and shook his head again, "Didn't know what to so. Couldn't say one damn word, too embarrassed, too hurt. This is so lame but it hurt!" and Dudley broke down into fresh tears.

Harry was shocked. "Did you recognize the guy?" he wanted to know.

Dudley nodded, "That's the worst part! It was Piers!"

"PIERS?" Harry half screamed in indignation.

"I KNOW!" Dudley wailed back. Harry hoisted himself off the counter and knelt by his cousin.

"You know what this means, Dud?"

"No, what?"

"It means," Harry said enthusiastically, "We have to fuck them up!" Dudley's sad blue eyes brightened a bit. "How?"

"Well, we could always snag the little shit and beat him to a jelly." Harry suggested manically, feeling horribly guilty about almost enjoying this drama. This was the kinda drama he liked. People cheating, snogging, revenge and no one dying.

Dudley pursed his lips in thought, "Yeah, and then rape Michelle and electrocute her to death with one Dad's drills and an extension cord." He offered.

Harry nodded again, "Show her what happens when she fucks with Big D.," he said vehemently. Dudley sighed gustily, "We did fuck," he said wistfully, "and her tight round little t-"

"Stop!" Harry roared.

"Fine." Dudley replied moodily.

They sat in companionable silence for a moment or two.

Until, Harry got an idea. A brilliant, wicked, painfully obvious idea.

Nevertheless, Harry felt like a genius.

"Dud." He said. "I know what we can do."

"I like the electrocution idea." Dudley complained.

"We'll do that some other time." Harry said impatiently.

"Ok, what's the plan?" Dudley asked, wiping his nose.

"Harry pulled his wand from his jean pocket and waved it tantalizing in his Dudley's face. Dudley went white with horror. "Put that away!" he squealed, cowering.

"No, Dud, I'm not gonna hex you, you blithering idiot. I'm gonna hex Miss Titless Michelle and Piers the Prickhead." Harry grinned.

Dudley's face went from a horrified expression, and then it sunk into a positively evilly delighted one. "Excellent!" he said.

"Good word usage, Dud!" Harry complimented him.

"Thanks, I try." Dudley said modestly. Then, "We have to make sure no one sees, or finds out." He warned Harry, who shrugged. "No deal, I've done this kinda stuff loads of times! I'm super stealthy." He informed Dudley.

"Great, when do we start?"

Chapter 2 is coming! Revenge is theirs!!


	2. Plotting

"Can we make her go bald?" Dudley asked hopefully. Harry nodded, and ate another jelly baby. Both teenage boys were sprawled on Dudley's bed, with all Harry's textbooks in front of them. Dudley flipped through the transfiguration one, "Ew, this stuff is fucking sick. Can we do that to Piers?" he held up the book to Harry's face and Harry saw a picture of a grotesquely altered man, snake fangs protruding from his mouth and a feather like tendrils coming out if his nose. Harry wrinkled his face. "If we do it, we have to make sure we can undo it. He can't live like that forever."

Dudley threw down the book in disgust, "What the fuck? I thought were gonna bust them up?"

Harry ate another jelly baby and then said tautly, "We are."

"Well?" Dudley demanded, grabbing the package of candy away from Harry. "Yo, don't fuckin eat every single one. Pig."

Harry scoffed. "Listen," he straightened up, "I wanna get back at them too. But I'm a wizard, and I know you don't know this but we do have rules."

Dudley looked shocked. "You can't do anything you want?"

"No," Harry replied flatly, feeling like the specialness of being a wizard just flew out the window.

"What kind of rules?" Dudley demanded. "Like you can't make a guy turn into a girl?"

Harry sighed, "Well...you can do that…it's weird and painful and I actually think you need a permit for Polyjuice Potion. I don't know of any other ways."

Dudley nodded as if had an idea what Harry just said. "What else?" he wanted to know.

"You can't kill people, can't torture them, can't force them to do stuff they don't want to. The Three Unforgivable Curses. Imperius Curse, Cruciatus Curse, and Avada Kedavra Curse. Any one of those three spells will earn you a one-way ticket to Azkaban, our prison. Which are guarded with Dementors."

Dudley scowled, "Dementoids? Those freaky fuckers that were invisible and made me feel like shit?"

"Yeah," Harry nodded.

"Bastards." Dudley finished off the rest of the jelly babies. "No wonder your kind are fucked up."

"No kidding." Harry said darkly.

"Anyhoo, so, ok, I get it that we can't torture, force, or kill Piers or Michelle but can we like make them fat or ugly or itchy?"

Harry chuckled. "Yes, we can but we have to make sure we have a counter curse."

"Why?" Dudley turned on a crass rap album and turned the volume up to an ungodly notch.

Harry grinned and bobbed his head to the heavy beat, Dudley laughed and imitated him.

Then Harry got serious again, "Serious though, I can't hurt them I could get busted by the Ministry of Magic for hurting a Muggle."

"What the fuck is a Muggle?" Dudley grunted. Harry rolled his eyes impatiently, "God, don't be a brat. Non-magic folk, like your kind. Sluts, businessmen, and stupid fucks like you."

Dudley grinned. "Ay, we rule!"

Harry grinned again mischievously, "No, we do." he replied.

Dudley sat and thought for several minutes and then turned to Harry, "This is no good. I know we had no limits, and now you tell me we gotta undo whatever we do to them. It's stupid. I'm not doing it. Wizards are stupid cocks. What's the use of having a wand and shit if ya gotta obey some fat bastards who really don't give a flying dog crap about what you do?"

Harry shrugged, "I honestly don't know," he said honestly. "But we're good looking." He smiled and ran his hand through his untidy shock of black hair. Dudley rolled his eyes, "You should dress chav." He advised his skinny cousin. Harry scowled. "No way, I'm not a gang banger like you."

Dudley chuckled and changed the song, "True."

They both bobbed to some shit, a rapper singing,

"_Girl, what makes you wanna fuck with me now?  
I've been wantin' to fk wit' you for quite a while  
is the money makin' you wanna fuck with me?  
Whoa...if money's gonna make me slam these hoes..then alright."_

Harry went back to the books. "C'mon, let's focus. We gotta find something that I can do."

Dudley leaned back in his computer chair and it creaked threateningly. Then, he eyed Harry suspiciously. "Say, why are you so hot to kick their asses?" he asked warily. Harry glanced up and blushed a bit.

"I guess I'm just lonely and bored. Things have been shitty at school and I'm just eager for something to do. And plus, that girl's a bitch! And Piers, that fucking rat, I've always hated him. I'd do this for any guy, I swear."

Dudley smiled, "Well, I 'preciate it, mate." He said earnestly. Harry nodded, "No problem."

They stared at each other awkwardly for a minute before Dudley turned away abruptly, "Ok, ok, too much love, man." Causing Harry to laugh.

_**Are you curious? Leave a review and I will write the rest! **_


End file.
